Dwarves and Dragons
by pixelsurgeon
Summary: An A.S.o.I.a.F counseling service. You know they're the most screwed up people in existence. In which catchphrases are repeated, Asha fails to save everyone, and skirt-weasel man smashes. T for some language.
1. Chapter 1

**Jon: **Hey. I'm Jon Snow. *epic wink that makes you love him* Welcome to the author's random mind.

**Me: ***goes all fangirl because it's JON SNOW!* *giggle* Hi, everyone, welcome to the Song of Ice and Fire counseling service. They are by far the most screwed up people ever, so it's… interesting. I warn you, there is a lot of OOCness. So, here.

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><p><strong>Ser Jorah: <strong>*looks terrified* I'm here to help, apparently. The _Khaleesi _made me, trust me, I wanted none of this. Why do you people think you're here?

**Cersei: **Apparently I have 'Chronic Incest Disorder'.

**Joffrey: **And I, apparently, am an evil weasel man.

**Satin: **Look at my name. That should tell you everything.

**Tyrion: **I have been told I'm 'too awesome for my own good'.

**Arya: **I think I'm a boy…

**Sansa: **I'm having a bad identity crisis. Alayne, Sansa, Sweetling… I just don't know anymore.

**Eddard: **I freaking had my HEAD CUT OFF.

**Littlefinger: **I creep innocent young girls out.

**Varys: **I'm too epically scary.

**Daenerys: **I breast-feed dragons. Do you know how much that _hurts_?

**Bran: **I turned into a tree and died. I'm scared.

**Theon: ***tries to stop smiling* I have chronic smiling problems.

**Summer: **Everyone ignores me.

**Sam: **I think I'm Sam Gamgee one day, and Sam the Slayer the next.

**Loras: **I am the knight of flowers. FLOWERS. I'm a man! I deserve better!

**Jaime: **I want my hand back, and I've also been diagnosed with 'Chronic Incest Disorder'.

**Cersei: **BASTARD! Where were you when I was trapped in that _stupid _sept? HUH?

**Jaime: **If I said I was with Brienne of Tarth, you'd kill me.

**Cersei: ***fumes* You are such an idiot. *chases Jaime out of the Godswood (where they happen to be)*

**Ser Jorah: **Oh, Lordys. We'll get back to this… soon. Sadly.

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><p><strong>AN: **Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

**Khal Drogo: ***clears throat* No!

**Me: **Oh, God… Drogo, babe, please say something other than that?

**Drogo: **No!

**Me: ** Yes, language barrier and all… Anyways, what my dear Khal here is trying to say is that I don't own a.S.o.I.a.F, sadly.

**Drogo: **No!

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><p><strong>Ser Jorah: <strong>*head buried in hands* Hello. We're back. Woohoo.

**Daenerys: **Be more enthusiastic! *whips back of Jorah's head*

**Ser Jorah: **Yes, _Khaleesi_.

**Daenerys: **And stop italicizing that, it annoys me.

**Sansa: ***hiding in corner*

**Tyrion: **Petyr can see you, you know…

**Littlefinger: **I can. You haven't had your daily 'creep out session' yet!

**Arya: ***cracks up* Oh, I'm so glad I didn't stay at King's Landing.

**Eddard: **My head… is dead… Oh, hey! That rhymed!

**Cersei: ***bitch slapping Brienne*

**Brienne: ***bitch slaps Cersei and knocks her out*

**Tyrion: **Well, you can't fault us for not being… _interesting._

**Daenerys: **WILL. PEOPLE. STOP. ITALICIZING?

**Everyone else: **Yes, _Khaleesi_.

**Daenerys: **Oh, you lot aren't even worth it. *haughty head toss*

**Jon: ***charming smile & wink* Hey, _Khaleesi._ You want to go out with me? I've read fics that oddly ship us, and I'm getting ideas.

**Daenerys: ***tries to stop from getting fangirly, and fails* OMG, YES!

**Author: ***is pissed*

**Jorah: ***sulks*

**Robb: **I hate being dead…

**Catelyn, Bran, and everyone else who's died: **You just realized that?

**Robb: **Well, no, but I just felt like saying it.

**Loras: **OMFG, Jon, you wanna go out?

**Jon: **Umm, well, no. I'm going out with Dany now! *puts arm around Daenerys' waist*

**Author: ***growls*

**Satin: **Are you sure?

**Jon: **Great, now even guys are after me. My charm works too well…

**Tyrion: **I think I might be the only living person in the show not attracted to you.

**Sansa: **Umm… Hello?

**Arya: **I can't say whether or not I am… It's a problem.

**Jaime: **Chronic Incest Disorder is spreading like wildfire!

**Theon: ** Can't… stop…smiling…. *chokes and dies*

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><p><strong>AN: **Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

**Jaime: **Hey. *smiles*

**Me: **…Nah. Not quite cutting it.

**Jaime: ***scowls* She owns nothing. Nothing at all.

**Cersei: **Neither do you! I disown you!

**Jaime: **…Can you even do that?

**Me: ***facepalm* Here.

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><p><strong>Jorah: <strong>Hi. I'm Ser Jorah Mormont. The _Khaleesi_ wants me to do this like a reality/talk show. So, hi. Welcome to the counseling service, and…

**Arya: **Get on with it!

**Tyrion: **Get on with it!

**Tim the Enchanter: **Get on with it!

**Unsullied: **Get on with it!

**Jorah: **Wow, Monty Python much?

**Eddard: **H to the E to the A to the D, it's dead! And gone…

**Joffrey: **Mummy, mummy, make him shut up…

**Cersei: **You already cut off his head, I don't know what else to do…

**Eddard: ***singing* My head is dead and gone, dead and gone…

**Jon: ***kisses Dany*

**Dany: ***giggles*

**Author: ***steam comes out of ears*

**Summer: **I am sooo ignored.

**Ghost: **Tell me about it.

**The Hound: ***stalking Sansa*

**Littlefinger: ***stalking Sansa more intently*

**Sansa: **I don't even know anymore…

**Varys: **My mom dropped me a lot.

**Everyone: ***stares at Varys*

**Varys: **…What?

**Satin and Ser Loras: **We love you, Jon…

**Jon: ***double take* No offense, but I'd rather go out with the _author_ than you.

**Author: ***can't take it anymore* *sets Drogon on Dany*

**Dany: **You _did _realize that wouldn't do anything…?

**Author: ***sighs*

**Robert Baratheon: **Have I missed anything?

**Everyone: ***facepalm*

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><p><strong>AN: **That might have sucked hard, but I try. Please review!


	4. Chapter 4

**Tyrion: ***starts to say something*

**Me: **OMYFRICKIN'GOD IT'S TYRION!

**Tyrion: **…Yes. How observant of you.

**Me: ***dies of a fangirl heart attack and comes back to life* *catches breath* Well, anyways…I don't own A.S.o.I.a.F., as I've said. Have a chapter.

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><p><strong>Jorah: <strong>God save me. Hello, and welcome back to the counseling service.

**Joffrey: ***randomly starts dancing around* I'm an evil weasel man! I'm an evil weasel man!

**Sansa: **WHO AM I? *has panic attack*

**Jorah: **Oh, dear lord. I think our randomness is resetting! The author hasn't updated enough!

**Author: **Yeah, blame it on me… *sticks tongue out at Jorah*

**Varys: ***gives one of his creepy speeches*

**Tyrion: **You _were_ dropped a lot.

**Dany: **OMFG has anyone seen the trailer for season 2?

**Everyone: ***backs away from bout of Valley Girl-ity*

**Littlefinger: ***has random sissy fight with the Hound over who gets to stalk Sansa*

**Jorah: ***curls up in ball and tries to die*

**Jon: ***hides behind a chair to avoid Loras and Satin*

**Robb: **HAS EVERYONE JUST FORGOTTEN ME?

**Tyrion: **Yes. Go away now.

**Robb: **The pain…

**Bran: ***slaps Robb* Be a man! I've barely been mentioned!

**Eddard: ***starts dancing with Joffrey* Evil weasel cut off my head! Evil weasel cut off my head!

**Cersei: **Will you STOP WITH THE HEAD?

**Eddard: **No. Evil weasel cut off my head!

**Jaime: ***is beat up by Cersei for no good reason*

**Arya: **I heard that one of the side effects of Chronic Incest Disorder is extreme violence…

**Theon: **This is getting wei-rd.

**Jorah: **You only just noticed?

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><p><strong>AN: **Please review!


	5. Chapter 5

**Me: **SEASON 2 PREMIERE! HEELLLL YESSSSSSSS! Fangirl _heaven_, man….OH GOD SO HAPPY!

**Littlefinger and Varys: ***stare at me*

**Me: ***sees them and passes out* *regains consciousness* This is like a great dream…

**Varys: **My little birds tell me she owns nothing…mwahaha.

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><p><strong>Jorah: <strong>This is supposed to be even _more_ random than the last one…is that even possible?

**Cersei: **When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die.

**Melisandre: ***making her first appearance, yay* The night is dark and full of terrors!

**Varys: **It's a trick; a shadow on the wall.

**Dany: **FIRE AND BLOOOOOOOOD!

**Jorah: **WAIT EVERYONE! Shut up! I get the point! Creepy red-haired woman…

**Sansa: **ME? I'm not creepy!

**Jorah: **You also don't have red hair anymore.

**Sansa: **Oh, right…hah…knew that.

**Littlefinger: **I'll _always_ make sure your hair's the right color, sweetling.

**Sansa: **o_O

**Varys: **That might have been creepier than what I said…nicely done.

**Tyrion: **CHEEKBONES!

**Jaime: **STUFF THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE BOOKS!

**Jon: **What the actual fu-

**Jorah: **NO CURSING! _Bad_ Snow. _Bad_ Snow.

**Eddard: **And everyone thought _I _was crazy…

**Joffrey: **You want to slap me, don't you? Ah, but you can't. FOR I AM SKIRT-WEASEL MAN AND I KILL ALL WHO SLAP ME!

**Cersei: **Psshht, Draco Malfoy, settle down now.

**Draco Malfoy: ** I have never been so insulted in my life.

**Joffrey: **SKIRT WEASEL MAN SMASH! *attempts to break board* *breaks hand* Mummy! I'm DYING!

**Robb: **Oh, suck it up. You get used to it.

**Dany: **DragonsdragonsDRAGONS!

**Jorah: ***now it really is killing him* Oh, God. What is _happening_? We were actually functional for a while, but now…

**Renly: **MY CLOTHES PWN ALL!

**Littlefinger: **I beg to differ.

**Asha: **Being the most epic of anyone in this room-

**Tyrion and Arya: **HEY!

**Asha: **-I shall stop this madness.

**Jorah: ***worships Asha as a god* How? Show me the path to enlightenment!

**Asha: **R'hollor will show us the way!

**Jorah: **Oh, come _on_.

**Melisandre: **THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS!

**Robb: **THE NORTH REMEMBERS!

**Eddard: **WINTER IS COMING!

**Joffrey: **SKIRT-WEASEL MAN SMASH!

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><p><strong>AN: **Alright, that sucked harder than a hole in NASA space station, _but_…please review!


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